Expectation to Desire

When you get beyond the wedding, knowing what to expect from your spouse is really important. Things that typically get discussed before we get married are things like these:

- Will we want to have kids?
- What about pets?
- Do we enjoy spending time doing the same kinds of things?
- How important is spirituality to us?
- What are our thoughts on finances?
- Where do we hope to live?
- What are our hopes for a career and how we'll both pursue it?
- How do we feel about spending time with extended family?

They are all important questions, and talking about them is good. It's the beginning of a foundation to know what to expect from the other person. However, when the details of these questions get explored beyond the wedding day, there can be some real surprises!

As an example, let's look at the first question. Many couples will talk about children like this, "Yeah, we both really want kids. Not right away, but eventually, we'd like to have children." The question looks like it's been covered-we understand each other's expectations-until the couple discover that one person thought "eventually" meant 2-3 years, and the other person expected to wait 8-10 years before having kids. Yeah-we have a problem!

While we tend to look at the "major topics" like those listed above, there are hundreds of seemingly unessential areas that can also sneak up on us.

One couple told me about the families they came from; in his family, they just yelled from one room to another if they had a question or needed something, but in her family, they had a rule that you need to get up to talk with someone if they aren't in the same room. It took some adjusting as they worked through questions being yelled like, "Honey, have you seen the remote"

Don't panic. A couple can't possibly uncover every potential area for surprises before the wedding. While there are some precautionary methods that a couple can and should take, it's more practical to talk about how to maneuver the surprises when they happen.

Prepare to not have your expectations met. As crazy as it sounds, I'm serious! We all have expectations that go unmet. We rely on people to meet our needs, people are human and they fail, so we all have unmet expectations. Welcome to the human race!

Unfortunately, many of us believe, "If they love me, they'll meet my needs." Your spouse can love you deeply, and yet, they will never meet all your needs and expectations. They simply don?t have that much power. You don't have that much power either to always meet the needs of your spouse. This is a fairy tale. There are real problems when the reality of a marriage collides with this fairy tale.

All of us have the power to speak our feelings and to listen well. Yes, it requires skill development on both sides of communication. It is well worth it.

Shift your expectations to desires. When we change our expectations to desires, we are acknowledging that our expectations will not always be met. We are accepting that we can't control the behavior or our spouse. We are choosing to change our own perspective.

When desires are communicated, a couple can freely choose how to treat one another. I can know the things that make my spouse feel most loved, but I may not always be able to give it. When we both understand this and offer understanding to one another, we?re building the foundation for a great marriage.

Expectations set us up to be disappointed. Desires set us up to be thrilled when they are realized!