Redefine Love

Remember the first time you professed your love for who you are planning to marry? You likely remember the place-the occasion-the nerves-the excitement!

Have you asked or been asked, "Why do you love me?" There's no doubt the feelings of love are real, and yet, the question can throw us off balance.

"What? Why do I love you? I don't know. I just do. You're great! You make me feel great!"

When pressed further, you can certainly create a list of reasons. The list of descriptions for how love is described can give some indicators of what changes you may expect later in the relationship, the marriage.

It's not unusual for a couple to answer the question with mutual expressions of "You make me feel so good!" expressed in a variety of different terms. Tom Cruise said it to Renee Zellwager in the movie Jerry Maguire, "I love you. You complete me."

In this scenario, which is extremely common as we exchange vows, we're not actually describing what we love about the other person. We most naturally describe how they make us feel. Love is being expressed for someone by telling them how they make us feel about ourselves, rather than actual characteristics and qualities about the other person.

It's as if we come together in marriage leaning on one another for mutual support. That's a good thing! It's wonderful to have someone that you can count on to respond to your desires for touch, for a listening ear, for a place to feel needed and valued. We all want to know that we really matter.

If we give it an image, it would look like this as two people leaning on one another.

People are often told many times on their wedding day, "As you grow in your relationship together, your love will only grow stronger." How could it get any stronger? What are they talking about?

As two people move beyond the wedding day and into the marriage, life happens. There are many factors that get added to the relationship: job changes, housing location, children added, financial losses and gains. It's not to be worried about or avoided-it just happens.

As a couple goes through these changes, it's not reasonable to expect two people to process life situations and respond identically. We are drawn to the demands from others on our time and energy, and we are not as available to provide mutual support as we demonstrated during the engagement phase of our relationship.

It's as if we are now in the marriage no longer leaning on one another for mutual support, but the opportunity is present to develop into two people going through life with a firm foundation, a healthy attachment to one another for mutual support, rather than dependent support.

If we give it an image, it would be two people standing side by side but definitely connected to one another at their core.

There is a need for the relationship to be redefined. It is a good thing. When a couple allows each other to wrestle with the growth, and they feel security in knowing that the relationship changes are normal, it is very helpful for the development of a healthy marriage.

When you redefine love, it really does grow stronger.