Separation Anxieties

As you prepare for your wedding day, relationships with our parents can be some of the most enjoyable and the ones that create the most angst. If you haven't noticed, parents have some thoughts about-well, parents have thoughts about everything! You don't generally need to ask them as they are very willing to share their ideas with you!

How do you honor your parents while making it your day? There are ways to do this without throwing a temper tantrum, without being a doormat, without a nasty exchange of words, and without faking it.

Marriage is a time of change. Regardless of whether you still live with your parents or have been living away from them for years, this is the time when we separate even further from life with our parents and begin a life in relationship with our spouse. Anytime there is a separation in a relationship, the potential for pain is very real. It is often complicated with a myriad of issues.

One of the first steps in the process is to look at how you see yourself in relationship with your parents. Do you see yourself as a child or as an adult who happens to be their child? The question was not how they see you, but how do you see yourself?

The next step is to consider the perspective you have of your parents. For some of us, parents were great caregivers, and we learned to expect that they were available to meet our needs. For others, parents had a significant amount of stressors in their life, and we felt some disappointment in their availability to meet our needs. In either case a shift needs to take place.

Parents are human. They have challenges, disappointments, and insecurities-like anyone. They just happen to also be your parents! If you describe them as "great parents", it is probable that you see them as "heroes". If you describe the relationship in terms of disappointment, it is probable that you still hold desires for how they will treat you.

In either case, let them come down off the pedestal and be human or let go of the dream of who they will become. It is time to redefine how you see your parents and your self. They are adults who happen to be your parents. You are an adult who happens to be their child.

Adults are often very irritated that their parents treat them disrespectfully, but it is not unusual that adult children get stuck in a mode of acting immaturely. Parents are often very irritated that their children are not acting responsibly, but it is not unusual to have a parent who is stuck in a mode of acting authoritatively.

The reality is that if one person in the relationship is in the role of parent or child, the other person will likely take on the opposite role. There's no one to blame. It is a pattern of behavior that becomes automatic.

This doesn't mean we have to remain stuck! It means we have to do something differently!

When something is automatic, change requires intentionality. Taking on an adult role in the relationship with our parents requires an intentional act. It means thinking about it, planning for it, and practicing it.

Many will ask, "What about my parents? How do I get them to stop acting like they do?" The answer is, "You can't. The only person you can control is you."

Let's assume that a parent is upset about some decision that's been made about the wedding - I know - stretch your imagination! They have been upset, and they continue to drop hints or make direct remarks. You are sick of it! They will not drop it!

You can: a) change the decision to try and make them happy
b) try to convince them why your decision is best
c) ignore them and put up with comments until you explode
d) none of the above

Most people choose one of the first three. All of these reinforce the patterns of the
parent-child roles in the relationship. The correct answer is "d." Take none of those choices, and choose to do something differently. Consider this solution.

Seek to understand. "I can tell this decision is bothering you. Help me understand what that's about? What are your concerns?" If they tell you that they aren't upset, accept it. They are an adult. Do not attempt to "make them talk about it."

Listen. Really listen. Do not be preparing your defense or thinking about how much you disagree with them.

Acknowledge. "Thank you. I want you to know that I have listened. I heard you. Thank you for telling me." Some people will take advantage of this opportunity to push harder for what they want. They may even say, "Why did you ask if you're not going to change your decision?" Repeat your original desire. "Please know that I will consider your words. I am not saying that there will be change in the decision. I care about you. I wanted to understand and hear your thoughts."

Adjust or maintain. The new understanding might be a new perspective. Really consider it as you told them. What are you willing to give? Is this a decision that you are willing to change now that you understand the reasoning? Adults ask for information and are free to change decisions. If there has been no new information or a change in your perspective, then maintain the decision. (Hint: if guilt or resentment is involved, it is not an adult decision.)

These relational changes are a process, meaning that it takes time and it is not an exact science. Since you are all adults and all human, give your parents and your self a break-this is a big event! Enjoy!