Standing the Test of Time: The Love Story of Lisa and Ken Knudsen

The reason why Lisa and Ken have been married for more than 27 years is because my pants ripped at the crotch back in high school.

At the time, Lisa had been my latest crush, and we, along with several friends, were scaling an epic Michigan dune on a beautiful fall day. When we reached the top, I thought I’d try to make her laugh, so I dropped to my knees while nerdily saying, “In the name of the Queen, I claim this land for Spain!” (My teen-self thought this was comedy gold.)
 

As the words were coming out of my mouth, I heard an ear-piercing ripping sound. The seam of my pants, starting from below the zipper, ripped nearly all the way to my back pockets. Any hope I had of suavely sweeping Lisa off her feet disappeared as soon as my underwear saw the light of day. With me and my torn pants out of the way, Lisa was free to fall in love with–and soon marry–Ken just a few short years later. 

An astute reader may have inferred that Lisa and Ken married shortly after high school, and, remarkably, are still together. That’s true. Despite getting engaged two months after meeting and marrying while only 20 years old, they have defied the statistics that point to an alarmingly high divorce rate for couples that marry so young. So, how have Lisa and Ken been able to remain happily married nearly 30 years after my pants ripped?

“When I first met Ken, I just knew he was it for me,” said Lisa. “He felt right. When I first went to college, I intended to date around like everyone else. But when I met Ken, that idea went away because I just knew. So why wait?”

From the beginning, Lisa and Ken did something that other long term happily married couples I’ve spoken to also did: They agreed that no matter what, divorce was NOT an option. Despite any hills and valleys, these couples double-down on their commitment and actively choose to make their relationship work no matter what. To make this work, obviously both people need to authentically share this mindset.  

To be clear, a marriage that works, as far as I am concerned, is not one that is merely intact, but one in which both individuals are happy and content.

Agreeing to take divorce off the table–regardless of the age of the couple–accomplishes something critical: it acknowledges from the beginning that there is no “happily ever after.”

By admitting this, when the euphoric period of a new relationship inevitably comes to an end, the couple knows that in order to keep the marriage happy and healthy, they will need to begin to work at it.

“If you’re not actively working on the relationship, it’s easy to become roommates and not see each other as a romantic couple,’” she cautioned. “In our case, we were three or four years in before we realized marriage wasn’t all milk and honey.”

One of the biggest challenges Lisa and Ken faces was learning how to fight. This echoed something a marriage counselor I interviewed said, who claimed he could predict whether or not a couple would break up based on how they fight.

“Don’t say anything you can’t take back,” offered Lisa. “Don’t say anything you don’t mean because people may be able to forgive what you say, but people can’t forget.”

“We’ve agreed to never curse at each other,” she continues. “We also made the decision to never tear each other down in public.”

Throughout their nearly 30 years together, Lisa and Ken have gone to marriage counseling twice. In counseling, they learned how to argue effectively which helped them keep anger and bitterness from infecting the marriage. The counseling also served as preventative maintenance allowing them find and fix any issues before they became serious.

In fact, most of the happily married couples that I’ve interviewed have gone to marriage counseling preventatively. If you’re considering getting married anytime soon, or are already married, assume that marriage counseling is something that you’ll do as a given. People do preventative maintenance on cars, houses, and even on one’s own health by getting yearly physicals. Why not make marriage counseling as normal as getting a check-up or changing the oil on your car?

The fact that Lisa and Ken are still together and happy since getting married at 20 years old speaks to their mature approach to the commitment, even at such a relatively young age.

Historically, people have gotten married in their late teens and early twenties for literally thousands of years, so it’s not outside the possibility for today’s young adults to make a successful go at marriage. The difference is that today’s couples expect a level of emotional fulfillment that didn’t exist historically. So, in order to maintain that level of personal satisfaction and happiness that accompanies modern marriage, integrate marriage counseling into your term plans with your beloved spouse.

At twenty, I was an idiot (as my joke that accompanied the ripping on my pants clearly demonstrated). I freely admit that I had an immature view of love and commitment, so there’s no way that I would have been ready for marriage at the time. If I had an appreciation of the work that accompanies even the most successful of marriages, perhaps I would have a decent shot at the time. But I do know that now, after speaking to so many happily married people, that preventative marriage counseling can play an important role helping a couple succeed.

If anyone reading this is superstitious and believes that my pants ripping did in fact play a part in Lisa and Ken being happily married, meet me on top of the epic dune. I’ll bring enough extra pants for everybody.
 

*****

Lem Montero is a creative consultant specializing in copywriting, photography, and design. He and his business partner, Jennifer Bobelenyi, work on marketing and branding initiatives with many regional companies in the wedding industry, as well providing event planning and photography services to couples. Please visit www.lemmontero.com for more information.
 

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