The State of Our Union

“You never tell me you love me,” my friend said to her husband years ago.

“I told you I loved you 18 months ago,” he replied. “If anything changes, I’ll let you know.”

Understandably, his response left her feeling anything but loved. He continued his life unburdened by his wife’s feelings despite the wound that began to fester in her heart.

The couple never scheduled time to honestly talk about their relationship in order to take stock of how things were going. Had they made time to periodically check in with each other, perhaps he would have understood how simple reassurances would have comforted his wife. Instead, he left her feeling alone and unsure.

Most people understand the importance of regular maintenance for things like appliances, cars, and even software updates for their mobile phones.  Few couples apply the same level of importance for regularly scheduled maintenance checks to their own relationships.

The recent elections brought to mind the many things a president does annually,  including a State of the Union address that happens on non-election Januarys or Februarys. Inspired, I thought why don’t couples have a yearly State of OUR Union talk?

Using the annual State of the Union Address as a reminder that both of you need to sit down and spend a thoughtful amount of time going over what has worked in your relationship, what hasn’t worked, what needs to be done, and what goals you’d like achieve over the next year.
 

Since the State of the Union address happens in the first months of most years, you can schedule your State of Our Union for around the same time. Preferably on a day when you and your significant other can spend several calm hours discussing the relationship, family, sex, finances, faith and other topics meaningful to you. Take a day off of work, hire a babysitter, get a hotel room, turn off your mobile phones, or whatever it takes, but somehow make the time to do nothing more than talk to each other.

“Couples need to maintain an open line of communication all the time,” said Diana Holub, owner of Tying the Knot Wedding and Events in Niles, MI. “Having an agreed upon day when you know you’ll be setting aside several hours to constructively talk about your relationship can help immensely.  Instead of letting problems build up quietly, you’ll have the opportunity to talk about them and make changes. In fact, you should be doing this all along.”

As the event coordinator of her own wedding venue, Diana has had the opportunity to interact with several brides and recently married couples. She’s surprised that most couples don’t think about how they’ll maintain a healthy relationship once the honeymoon period ends.

“Many relationships end because they’re not tended to,” Diana stated. “It can be uncomfortable to talk honestly about where things are in your relationship, but a little bit of discomfort once a year is a small price to pay for a happy and strong marriage.”

Due to a change in administration, there will not be a State of THE Union address this year, but you can still have a State of OUR Union talk. If you like, you could hitch your talk to another upcoming observance like Groundhog’s Day, but a State of Our Groundhog doesn’t carry the same sense of importance.

The important thing is to connect with your significant other, talk about everything, and make sure you’re still in alignment. While not terribly romantic, you may even want to create an agenda to make sure you don’t forget anything.

The State of Our Union talk doesn’t take the place of frequent date nights, or other smaller talks that need to happen as victories and problems present themselves.
 

What should set it apart from everything else should be its predictability and depth. No matter what else is happening in your lives, the State of Our Union address should be given priority. Most people regularly clean out their email inboxes, routinely add salt to their water softeners, change the oil on their cars, and catch up on their Netflix faves - why would you treat your relationship with less importance?

“It’s so easy to take each other for granted, focusing all your time on work, video games, social media, or whatever else,” said Diana. “The most important person in your life is your spouse, and making sure that relationship stays healthy and strong is the best thing you can do for the happiness of you both.”

During the president’s State of the Union address, those in his party stand and applaud dutifully at key moments in the speech while the opposing party sits dourly. At your State of Our Union talk, you are welcome to stand and cheer wildly, or sit quietly for a moment, but the important thing is to always maintain that open channel of communication and connect.

*****

Lem Montero is a creative consultant specializing in copywriting, photography, and design. He and his business partner, Jennifer Bobelenyi, work on marketing and branding initiatives with many regional companies in the wedding industry, as well providing event planning and photography services to couples. Please visit www.lemmontero.com for more information.

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