Two Questions that Reveal If You'll Be Happily Ever After

As a wedding photographer, I would look at couples through a lens on their wedding day, and it seemed as if I could see their future through the camera. "They'll be happy together forever - [click!]," I would think as I snapped the shutter, or "I give it ten years - [click!]"

What were couples doing that would make some seem likely to have a wonderful marriage, while other couples were a disaster waiting to happen?  

Dr. John Petersen, a family psychologist based in South Bend, Indiana, has seen many couples in crisis since beginning his practice in 1999. Research -- and his own experience with couples in his office -- led him to concluding it’s possible to predict which couples will divorce based on how two questions are answered: 1) Does the couple work at maintaining a connection? and 2) how do they resolve conflict?

"At the beginning of a relationship, when things are still exciting, it's easy to maintain a connection," John told me. "The ideal is to maintain a connection of friendship, as partners in life, in emotional closeness, and sexually, throughout the marriage."

Fewer than one in four people do any kind of pre-marital counseling, he added. It's important to plan for a long marriage from the very beginning and establish good habits with your spouse to keep the connection strong and vibrant for your lifetime.

The connection reaffirms the bond between you and your spouse and can be done with something as simple as cooking together, playing a game together, or spending ten minutes reconnecting each day by simply talking to each other.

The question then becomes under what conditions do you feel the most connected to your spouse?

Typically, John, who is heavily influenced by Dr. John Gottman’s longitudinal research on marriages and romantic relationships, isn't a fan of most pop-psychology books, which is why it surprised him when he found a bestseller that did ring true: The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

The book describes five ways of expressing love and how understanding your spouse’s "love language" can strengthen your emotional connections.

On the wedding day, I could see how couples' interactions expressed their connections. It was visible it in the way the groom would make sure his bride stayed hydrated during an August wedding, how she would send him a love note as he changed into his suit, or the way they might steal a few quiet minutes after the ceremony, but before the frenzy of the reception - they were simple, but telling moments. "They'll make it - [click!] They have what it takes - [click!]"

Those who do not learn how to develop a way to maintain that connection may find themselves expressing their dissatisfaction in a way that could ultimately destroy their marriage.

"How you do conflict is the biggest predictor of divorce," John said. "Hurtful or poorly handled conflict can destroy connections and have disastrous implications."

Again, this was obvious during the wedding as some couples would bicker at a guest seating growl at each other if the weather didn’t cooperate, or snap at each other if someone in the bridal party was running late. "Five years - [click!] Maybe three - [click!]"

"There are times where every couple fights," said John. "But it will come down what you say, and how you say it. If it's hurtful, it will do damage to your connection."

If you haven't already read the Five Love Languages, buy it right away and read it as a couple. Understanding how to maintain that daily connection is critical to the health of a marriage and knowing your spouse's "love language" helps dramatically. Prioritizing your connection to each other may also help you resolve conflicts whenever they arise in a loving, and non-hurtful way.

In several decades, I will look back at the photographs I've taken of different couples on their wedding day and see if my camera was right or wrong about them. In the meantime, I will continue to explore what it means to be in love -- and stay in love -- and feel something that no camera could ever see.

Learn more about Dr. John Petersen by visiting his practice's website at www.family-psychology.com.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is available at most locally owned bookshops.