"Will You Be in My Wedding Party?"

Somewhere between the questions "Will you marry me?" and "Do you promise to love, honor, and cherish one another?" is another question that often consumes hours of conversation.

Will you be in my wedding party?

While it is an important decision, it is one that can potentially haunt the couple before and after the wedding day. The selection pool includes the most significant relationships with your friends and family. No wonder it causes great anxiety!

- How do you choose between friends when you have more than one best friend?
- What if you know that some of your friends can't afford the expense?
- How do you decide between best friends and family?
- What if you feel closer to a cousin than your own sibling?
- If you have been in several wedding parties, are you obligated to reciprocate?
-What if your parents are deciding for you or will be disappointed in your decision?

All of these questions have an underlying theme: I don't want anyone to have hurt feelings. At the same time, I want my wedding party to consist of people who I consider "special" in my life. How do we decide?

You have likely been given some of the following advice: Pick who you want and don't worry about it. Your true friends will understand. Your family will understand. Pick the person who will be most responsible. Choose the people who come to mind with little or no effort. Pick the people who can afford it or plan to pay for them your self.

It's all great advice. Really. It is the foundational stuff for how to make the decision. Even with these directives, however, the problem doesn't go away. The real question is: How do we decide without anyone having hurt feelings?

Listen closely. Repeat often. Pay attention. Here it comes!

You are powerless to control how other people feel.

You can treat people respectfully, lovingly, and significantly. However, you can not make them feel respected, loved, or significant. We are each responsible for how we react to the actions of others.

Some of your friends and family will have hurt feelings. They just will. You did not act unkindly to them, but they feel hurt. They may not tell you. They may gossip about it behind your back or be openly hostile. It is all outside of your control.

There is yet another perspective to consider which offers more hope.

While this is YOUR important day, and while others share the joy and celebration of YOUR day, it is YOUR day. It is not THEIR day. The decision about who is going to be in your wedding party is very important to you. Those who are invited will be thrilled to share YOUR day. While it may hurt a little to acknowledge this, those who are not asked might not experience hurt feelings.

Your friends and family love you. You matter to them. They know it is YOUR day, and they want it to be YOUR day. Many are trying to treat you lovingly. Go ahead. Feel loved!