Including All

Since a marriage is a defining moment of life change for the future, it's also a time to reflect on the past. Couples recognize the supportive role that their families have played in their lives emotionally, intellectually, financially, and relationally. Clearly, they can't repay them - it's not the point.

The point is simply to acknowledge them, thank them, include them, and overall to let their families know "They matter!" The wedding celebration is a great place to make that happen!

How can a bride and groom navigate the wedding day while trying to communicate value to those they love? How can they focus on the step they are taking together without spending all of their energy caring for others? How do they provide an opportunity for family to connect with one another and not feel responsible to make sure everyone is having a good time?

When considering how to answer these questions, here are some things that might be helpful to remember and make the process more enjoyable for everyone.
 

Task Worthy

There are a variety of tasks that you can ask family to help with. This will very much depend on your own style of personality, how much want to delegate (if at all), and how comfortable you are delegating beyond a wedding planner or a trusted few people.

1) Ask those people who you know you can count on - if you have to check up on them, forget it!
2) Make sure the tasks are genuinely important to the event. (If the point is to communicate value, then the task has to be of real value. If not, it can backfire and actually feel insulting or condescending.)

Focus on creating a list of tasks that really need someone to "own them". Ask the family members that you think would really appreciate being asked or who have already offered to help.
 

Matching the Role to the Person

Have you ever seen a guest book attendant who looked completely bored or very socially uncomfortable? It's helpful if the guest book attendant is a friendly and welcoming person!

If the person asked to do a reading of poetry or scripture would rather die than speak in front of a crowd, be sensitive to that. Simply ask, "I would love you to be a part of the ceremony, but I know you don't like speaking in public. Is this something you'd enjoy doing or would you prefer that I ask someone else?" Listen well and respect their desire - they will feel loved and valued even if there is no other role for them to fill.

When you ask people to participate, give plenty of thought to matching the role to their personality. Whether they accept or decline, most will be honored to be asked.
 

Say It

It often doesn't seem sufficient. "Thank you!" Especially during significant moments, it might be all that is needed!

For example, there may be a relative that you just don't see often, but over the years they have been special to you. You know the kind - they didn't just ask how school was going and then pay minimal attention to your answers before they could walk away - they really listened to you!

Spend some time before the wedding looking over the guest list. Think about those people that you want to be intentional to talk with even if you'll only have time a few minutes for quality conversation with them. "Aunt Mary, I am so grateful that you're here to celebrate with us! No matter how annoying I was at family gatherings, you always had time to listen to me. It really made a difference in my life. Thank you!"
 

Connecting as One Family

For most of us, meeting new people is uncomfortable. It's normal because-we don't know them! Create a relaxed environment for family to get to know one another, but let them decide who they want to spend time with.

Be realistic about the expectations. While the families may learn to enjoy one another, they do not need to become best friends. You spent time dating and falling in love, so let things develop naturally. It may take time. Don't force it.

Since the wedding day is all about the bride and groom, all of this family stuff can be overwhelming! It doesn't need to be.

Remember that you can treat your family lovingly, but you can not make them feel loved. In the midst of all the planning, just giving attention to this topic is a demonstration of character!

Your friends and family love you. You matter to them. They know it is YOUR day, and they want it to be YOUR day. The purpose is to try to respond to the love you've been given. Sometimes, you just have to relax and accept it!