Love Me, Love My Screen

Couples of every generation face their own unique challenges: T-rexes ruining romantic walks near the volcano; armor and helmets making it difficult to snuggle during the Dark Ages; smooching while wearing a top hat in the 19th century, and so on. Modern couples, especially those in their twenties, have their own challenges: screens.

Photo credit: Laurenda Marie Photography
 

Phones, tablets, and video games seem to have become permanent parts of today’s relationships. Women have complained to me that their significant other will spend three hours a day playing video games while they themselves spend that much time, if not more, on their smartphones. One twenty-one-year-old man I met bragged that he spends up to 60—SIXTY—hours a week playing video games. That’s on top of having a live-in girlfriend, working, and taking classes. Sixty hours! I didn’t even know there were that many hours in a week!

 

It’s been pointed out in many articles that this is a problem, but what’s striking to me is how spending time on screens is so normalized, that many couples don’t see it as being a problem.


“My boyfriend spends about three hours a day playing video games with his friends,” said Kasie, 22-years-old. “That’s not too bad.”

 

“My fiance doesn’t play video games,” said Mindy, 24-years-old, “but he watches a lot of videos on his phone. Sometimes, we’ll watch videos together.”
 

“My boyfriend doesn’t do social media, or play video games, but spends a few hours a day on his phone,” said Samantha, 25-years-old. “I’m actually on my phone more than he is on his.”

 

The impact of screens on relationships has fascinated me for months. Much can be said about what you’re actually doing on the screens and how those specific activities can impact the relationship: watching pornography, flirting with others via Snapchat, or inappropriately messaging people, for example, could obviously impact your relationship.

Photo credit: Kate Touzel Photography
 

But let’s set aside the game or app people are using and focus simply on the act of turning your face away from the person you love for three hours or more a day.  


In 1955, just under 57 percent of men smoked cigarettes, meaning it was broadly accepted. Around that time, for example, a woman I know, whose son had been killed in an accident, was told by her doctor to take up smoking to ease her nerves. Smoking, which in the United States is generally considered as being dangerous and stupid today, was, at one point, seen as being perfectly fine and even good for you. But just because something is socially normal doesn’t mean it’s harmless.

 

There are studies pointing to the damage video games and screens are doing to the minds of children, and other studies which debunk those. Researchers may still be quibbling over a consensus on the short and long-term impact of screens on the brain, but from my point of view, it’s obvious that screens are redefining what is normal in a modern relationship.

 

Of the dozen of women in their 20s and early 30s that I’ve spoken to about this, none seem happy about all the time their significant others spend on video games or social media. Only the thirty-one-year-old saw this as being a problem. The others (i.e. those who grew up with smartphones) thought it was normal to spend that much time on a screen.

 

The couples I’ve spoken to who are in happy, long-term (25 years or more) marriages all came from generations where the ubiquitous presence of screens wasn't an issue. Yes, they may have had television screens, but you couldn’t pull out a 32” RCA console TV from your pocket during dinner at a restaurant in those days. Even with a television in their home, the happy couples married for decades always prioritized their spouses above everything else. Those couples may have had other challenges, but cat videos causing a rift in the marriage wasn't one of them.

Photo credit: Laurenda Marie Photography
 

In my observation, the prominence of screen time during the early stages of a relationship—the time when deep and meaningful connections should be being made face to face—is keeping many couples from bonding in a way that will keep them together for decades.

 

Obviously I, or anyone else for that matter, don’t have any statistics on this yet, as this problem is only just starting, and we don’t have any long-term data on which to draw. However, in my time speaking to couples of all generations, it’s easy to spot those couples in which one or both people prioritize video games or social media over quality time with their significant others.

 

Several people I know got divorced in their forties. All of those divorces were initiated by the women (sixty-nine percent of all divorces are initiated by women) who all felt emotionally and physically neglected by their husbands. Another friend of mine who didn't divorce her husband had an affair that lasted months because she felt emotionally neglected by her husband. She told me that several of her female friends have had affairs for the exact same reason. She and her friends may never leave their spouses, but they’ve all gone to the extreme measure of fulfilling their emotional and physical needs outside of their marriages.

Photo credit: Kate Touzel Photography
 

The point is this, ignoring your partner in preference for a screen could come at a high cost. Sooner or later, he or she will feel emotionally neglected, which will lead to being unhappy within the relationship. Emotionally starving someone long enough could have a dramatically negative effect on any committed relationship.

 

Not all is lost, though. Couples today need to plan to have face-to-face quality time without screens. Turn off the phones and video games and enjoy time together. Several people may experience anxiety without their phones at hand, but the world will continue to spin if notifications go unchecked for a few hours.

 

Set aside the technology and talk about what matters to you as a couple. Clearly explain to your partner what you need from him or her emotionally so that they can carve out time to meet those needs. Figuring out what you each need to consider the relationship emotionally fulfilling may require some reflection and sharing, but in the end, well worth it.

 

Screens are not going the way of the T-rex anytime soon, but they can be just as damaging as a raging predator on your relationship. Unlike the challenges faced by couples of other generations, prioritizing the needs of your partner above those of social media or video games should be manageable. Spending hours on a screen may be seen as perfectly normal, but not at the expense of the person you love. To avoid serious problems later, shut down your screens today, and spend a few moments of quality time with your partner. The videos of cats will still be there when you’re done, I promise.

 

*****

Lem Montero is a creative consultant specializing in copywriting, photography, and design. He and his business partner, Jennifer Bobelenyi, work on marketing and branding initiatives with many regional companies in the wedding industry, as well providing event planning and photography services to couples. Please visit www.lemmontero.com for more information.

Photo credit: Kate Touzel Photography

 

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